Lance Hardwick Mysteries

"Lance Hardwick Mysteries" - Created and written by Viktor Aurelius since October 2014. This is a parody of a late 1940's Radio Serial presented in Mono with limited FX and music. This is a NEW continuing series from the 4077th filled with lots of Sexual Innuendos and Double Entendres! Jeff Niles plays Lance Hardwick (The Americanized version of his original name Lazlo "Lazer" Horowitz) a sort of Paranormal Investigator/Gumshoe and Yiddisher Detective! His sidekick is Dick Reardon (played by Viktor Aurelius) is a young stupid klutz who Lance continually abuses for his amusement but says it’s to teach the boy to someday be a GREAT Investigator like his Idol and Boss.

More stories will follow in this comedy series which parodies classic Serials from the Golden Age of Radio! Lance will soon battle Nazis, The Red Menace, Monsters, Aliens and others who are trying to destroy America! And get ready for Lance's Sponsors! Each story will have its own set of commercials from 1947-48 starring the cast of the show!

A VERY special thanks goes out to Jeff Ö’Brien for the inspiration to create this first adventure! He talked about “Cthulhu Boobs” on our radio show and Jeff Niles and I ran with the idea! I would LOVE to see what else he comes up with! He is the man behind "Big Boobenstein" and “Splatterhouse Rules“.

Episodes released:

'''Her Kisses Were Steamy But... Oh, Those Cthulhu Boobs''' - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

The CHannukah CHorror (Holiday special)

'''Mishuganas from Space! - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3'''

And "Sponsored by" Commercials include:

"Ver Klempt Cigarettes", "Magillah Soap", "Chaims Ear Wax Candles" and "Channukah Harry's Channukah Bushes"

Visit http://the4077th.blogspot.com/p/lance-hardwick-mysteries.html to hear the episodes.

'''Next up... Lance and Dick go to Europe! '''

Lance Hardwick's World:
Warning: Information listed may or may not contain Spoilers!



24 women – Women of every race, creed and color. 12 had Cthulhu Boobs, 12 were about to receive them. Betty was to be their leader.



Agent Ace Stompers – A government secret agent with C.R.A.S.S. in Washington DC. Not very bright. He also gets many facts wrong and tends to be oblivious of what is really going on around him.



Baron Farshtinkener – The father of Dr. Mosmer Mishegoss. He may or may not be deceased.



Betty – The girl with the Cthulhu Boobs. First experiment by Dr. Mosmer Mishegoss.



Castle Farshtinkener – An mysterious ancient stone castle on the California coast, not far from the City! It is believed that the original Baron had it shipped from Germany and re-built, stone-by-stone. The odd thing is that the locals just happened to notice it one day – Fully built!



Chaims Channukah Candles – (A Sponsor of Lance Hardwick Mysteries) These candles are made from the finest Earwax! We don't let anything go to waste! The finest Nose hair Wicks from Rabbis everywhere! Rabbis swear by these candles, no they really do swear as their Nose Hairs are pulled out! [Listen to the commercial here]



Channukah Harry - Owns Channukah Harry's Aluminum Channukah Bush lot. (A Sponsor of Lance Hardwick Mysteries) Don't forget to purchase the optional color wheel for all of those festive Channukah colors! Blue, Red, White and GOLD (the color of Gelt). Remember to mention that you are a fan of Lance Hardwick Mysteries for a special discount. The aluminum was imported from Budapest, Hungary by “Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated”. [Listen to the commercial here]

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">City, The – Probably Los Angeles but never said! Near Hollywood, on the West Coast near the Pacific Ocean.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Communists – The Red Menace who is trying to destroy good ol' American Capitalism and Democracy!

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">Coroner, The – Man killed by Billy Blender after he arose as a zombie. Probably a Zombie as well.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Cousin Morty – Lance's second cousin, once removed - and believe me he was removed for a REASON!

<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">C.R.A.S.S. - A secret Government agency, so secret that nobody knows about it! The initials stand for: CRIMINALS, ROGUES and ASSASSINS SECURITY SPECIALISTS. Their headquarters in Washington DC seems to have many secrets: Aliens, Technology, Devices of unknown origin and more!

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Cthulhu – The great Older God who is desperately trying to destroy the world through his minions, cult leaders and followers.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Dick Reardon (Richard James Reardon) – Born in 1929. Lance's 18 year old sidekick (literally)! He was a young man, not very bright, when he gets sexually aroused his voice suddenly drops. Probably due to his overbearing mother and lack of a father who some believe died before he was conceived. Lance is his only Father Figure during his radio stardom. In the mid 50's a Lance Hardwick TV series was being planned on the Dumont Network but Richard wanted to go off on his own comedy career. Having conquered Radio, he began a film career in Europe. By the early 60's he was a huge success in France where they called him "Le Dique"! And he was even given a huminitarian award by De Gaulle as a Comedy Legend where he was proclaimed "Le Grand Dique"! Dick was well-known for his original radio character being oblivious to what was happening around him and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Later in life Dick worked as a speech writer for Richard M. Nixon. It was also rumored that George W. Bush had him on-call. Many believe that Dick was wholly responsible for the "Mission Accomplished" Banner as well. He is still alive today and living in a Retirement Villa somewhere in The City, where he was raised.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">Dick's Accordion – He carries it everywhere in his Jalopy!

<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Dick's father - Died in 1929 His father committed suicide / jumped because of the Stock Market Crash. He didn't HAVE any stocks, he just saw everybody else doing it! In 1928 Dick's father was the Chief Architect working with William Mulholland on the St. Francis Dam then killed himself in 1929 when the stock market dropped. Many more disasters were caused through his entire life.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">Dick's Aunt Mildred  – His mother's spinster sister.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">Dick's dog Cleo – A mixed-breed St. Bernard/Chihuahua/Persian Lap Dog.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Dr. Mosmer Mishegoss – Evil mad scientist who created the Cthulhu Boobed women, disciple of Cthulhu / Cthulhu Cult Leader, illegitimate son of the original Baron Farshtinkener. Real name: Algernon Seamis Liam O'Shaunassy-  Farshtinkener! The original Baron's Illegitimate British son born of a Irish Street Walker who lived in London many years before the WAR and then moved to America!! He doesn't know a single WORD of German or Yiddish! He KILLED his father and took over the Castle! His father may or may NOT be dead. Mosmer also went by the name of Seamis the Irish Gardener at Temple Beth Shazam.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">Egregious Picayune Post Press Daily Herald Star Truth Beacon Tribune, The – The Newspaper of THE CITY!

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Gay Schlafen – Receptionist. She a nice Jewish Girl, but she's always sleeping at the Reception Desk because she attends night school, works at a Rendering Plant part-time and she also spars with Joe Louis on Sundays. She is VERY helpful at the agency and goes out in the field to assist Lance and Dick.

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<p style="text-align: LEFT; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.49in; margin-bottom: 0in"> Glow-in-the-Dark Detecto-Dreidels – Radio shows had gimmicks and prizes. Some had a decoder Ring which at the end of every show the hero would hive you a clue that you had to decode. Lance's show had these! Send in 50 boxtops from Matzo Cereal and 25 cents and get your official Lance Hardwick Detecto-Dreidel! They had to complete with all the other Radio Series, so these had “Super-Bright-Radium Glow and Lead-Paint” to make them really stand out! If you come across on in your Grandfather's attic we advise you to call the Hazmat Team immediately. It was discovered in the late 60's that insects and rodents that had come in contact with these devices either mutated into dangerous life forms or died of cancer within weeks of exposure. Oddly, no human casualties were ever discovered.

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<p style="text-align: LEFT; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.49in; margin-bottom: 0in">Goyisher Boychick – A term of affection (I think), meaning “a young non-jewish male”.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Hamilton D. Blender – Rich industrialist, father of Billy Blender, defense contractor.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Helen Horowitz (nee Whitehall) – Lance's Sister-in-Law, married to Lance's brother Sheldon. Former beauty pageant winner, Miss California 1941, originally a Protestant (she converted), her father wass a Senator (Senator Martin Gregory Whitehall) in Washington DC.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Joe Lewis – Famous Boxer, heavyweight champion. Gay Schlafen spars with him on Sundays whenever he's in The City.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Lance Hardwick – Yiddisher Detective, gumshoe, paranormal investigator, takes on cases that the police can't or won't take on. “Lance Hardwick” is his Americanized name. His original name was Laslo “Lazer” Horowitz. His Phone number is 555-1269. He was like Groucho Marx in his later life. But he mysteriously disappeared. Many think he finally found another Time Machine!

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">La Petite Partie d'un Grand Prix  - The swankiest French restaurant in The City. The name Translates as “The Small Portion for a Large Price”.

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<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">Mantan Moreland – Played " Birmingham Brown”  in the Charlie Chan movies.

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<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">Marisa Maresca – Italian Showgirl.

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<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">Mayor Percy Gadfly – Mayor of the City and a Goyim. Mixed letters up in words when he speaks. Always refers to his constituents as “The Ceople of the Pity...err... The People of the City!”. Citizens often think he's drunk when he makes speeches but he never touches a drop of alcohol, he's a Tea-Totaller.

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<p style="text-align: LEFT; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.49in; margin-bottom: 0in">Michele Morgan –  Actress

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<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">Momalah – Lance's mother.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Nazis – although defeated recently they are still trying to destroy America

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in; font-weight: normal">Peter Gunsel – Lance Hardwick's rival! (Story coming soon)

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Petroleum Oil Creature - Created by Dr. Mosmer Mishegoss with a long and drawn-out spell that takes nearly 24 hours and was found in the Necronomicon, the creature possessed Dick's soul in order to come to life. It left Dick unable to feel any pain. The creature (possessing the soul of an idiot) ran around the city and actually did no real harm except leaving oily footprints where ever it went. But when the creature caught on fire during the Channukah ceremony it became a fire hazard. It eventually grew to gigantic proportions and needed to finally be stopped by any means possible.

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<p style="text-align: LEFT; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.49in; margin-bottom: 0in">Police Commissioner Hiram Schlub  – Runs the police department in The City. No one is really sure how he got the job because he wasn't even in line for it. A few years ago the Mayor couldn't decide who he wanted as Police Commissioner but, being a friend, Lance suggested “Just find some Schlub! Hire'em! He'll be good!”. Hiram Schlub is part of the Temple Beth Shazam congregation. NOTE: He'll do Jewish Phrases similar to Chief O'Hara on Batman [Examples: Begorrah! Saints be praised! Saints preserve us! Saints alive! Mother Machree! Great Saints! Glory be! Bless me suspender buttons! Sure'n that's the truth! Heaven protect us!]

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">President Truman – President of the United States during this time period.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">QLT-7, The – Like the Men in Black but just MORE mysterious!

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">Rabbi Ralph (aka Rabbi Schlemiel Schmendrick) – He is part owner in “Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated” a Fancy-Schmancy Big Corporation, but the Rabbi is a down-to-Earth guy. He likes to be called Ralph. He is a direct descendant of Moses and has in his possession the “Staff of Moses” that once parted the Red Sea!

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<p style="margin-left: 0.3in; text-indent: -0.3in; margin-bottom: 0in">Rabbi Schlemazzel – The other owner of “Schlemiel, Schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated”. Mr. Hasenpfeffer, the third owner, was unable to be reached for comments. His whereabouts are lost to history.

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Rear Admiral Bruce Reardon / Uncle Bruce – Dick's Uncle on his father's side. Admiral on board the USS White Swallow. Uncle Bruce was the Monsenior of “Our Lady of Perpetual Indulgence” church before he was asked to leave because he was caught bobbing for Altar Boys in the Baptism Pool!

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<p style="margin-left: 0.51in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in">Rudolph – The reindeer famous for its red nose. Santa tells Dick that it not only can help him him guide his sleigh but it is also Nuclear! Rudolph has the ability to target and destroy enemies, although it was useless against the Oil Creature in the CHannhkah CHorror.

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<p style="text-align: LEFT; margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.51in; margin-bottom: 0in; page-break-before: auto"> Shabbos Goy –  is a non-Jew who performs certain types of work which Jewish religious law enjoins the Jew from doing on the Sabbath.

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<p style="margin-bottom: 0in">Sheldon Horowitz – Lance's brother the shyster Lawyer. Married to Helen.